Apologies everyone. It's been a while since we last posted. We have been busy rebuilding the BritishFoodUSA.com website. It's almost finished. You can order goods online now.

Anyway, I wanted to cheer up your day with some classic Tommy Cooper gags. To read more about him click here

Tommy Cooper Gags: 

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'it hurts when I do that'
he said ' well don't do it'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?
The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.
I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'.
So I took up a collection.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says:
'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'.
I said 'What For?'.
He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

I had a meal last night,
I ordered everything in French,
surprised everybody,
It was a Chinese restaurant.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.
I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door.
I said 'Is Jim in?'.
She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me.
So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow.
'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'.
'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.
A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here'
'Ok. Stay there'.

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

I went to the doctor the other day
I said 'have you got anything for wind'
so he gave me a kite.

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent.
I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.

I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'.
I said 'Don't worry - I'll get you a new cat'.

I've always been unlucky.
I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'.
He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'.
'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'.
He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.
Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

I'm on a whisky diet,
i've lost three days already.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.
She won, she had the hammer.

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburetor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'

I hurt my back the day.
I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.

"I was nearly a step-child,
my Mother said she would have left me on someone's doorstep if she'd had half a chance."

"My mother was always pulling my leg,
that's why one is six inches longer than the other."

"I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day,
he told me he had taken a job as a postman.
He said it was better than walking the streets."

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said
"Yes, this is my livelihood."

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.
Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs....
but she's good with the kids....

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.....

Tommy Cooper was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance.
'Do you think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen.
'You really thought I was funny?', said Tommy.
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen.
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.'
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' said Tommy.
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.'
'Do you like football?' said Tommy.
'Well not really ' said the Queen.'
'In that case, ...' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'

I was in Margate last year for the summer season.
A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism."
So I did, and I got it....

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

I bumped into an old friend the other day.
He's got poor eyesight as well!

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'.
He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places.
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

I bought a greyhound about a month ago,
A friend of mine said to me,
'what are you going to do with it?'
I said 'i'm going to race it'.
He said 'by the look of it, I think you'll beat it'

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

For the scientifically minded.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother HoChaChu.
But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still,
what can you expect from a cross-breed.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'
I said 'No, just a watch.

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle?'
The bloke said 'Kenwood'
I said, 'Where is he then?'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'
He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?'
He said, 'He's not your type.'
I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?'
'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'
'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.

So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst
into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he
said "I recognise the ivory".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought
"he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to
Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on
telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to
do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make
Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than
anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I
can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and
a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well
the other day there was a fire at the factory that
makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of
people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK
then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa",
I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want
to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",
he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came
up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle
like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC
duck".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house
and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I
need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbor worships exhaust pipes,
he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two
school bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load
of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there
were no salivas.

"Cos it's strange, isn't it.
You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.
' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.
' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?
' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

FF: Friday Film Time

Taking the form of a monologue by a middle-aged, working class Liverpool housewife, it focuses on her life before and after a transforming holiday abroad. Wondering what happened to herself, now feeling stagnant and in a rut, Shirley finds herself regularly talking to the wall while preparing her husband's chips 'n' egg, until her best friend wins a trip-for-two to Greece. Without a second thought, she packs her bags, leaves a note on the kitchen table, and heads for a fortnight of rest and relaxation. What she finds is romance and a new awareness of who she is and what her existence can be with just a little effort on her part.

Commissioned by the Everyman Theatre in Liverpool, the play premiered in 1986, with Noreen Kershaw directed by Glen Walford. Two years later it opened in London's West End at the Vaudeville Theatre, with Pauline Collins, directed by Simon Callow.

After eight previews, the Broadway production, with Collins again directed by Callow, opened on February 16, 1989 at the Booth Theatre, where it ran for 324 performances. Ellen Burstyn replaced Collins later in the run.

Loretta Swit starred in a US national tour in 1995.

Russell adapted his play for the 1989 film version directed by Lewis Gilbert. Collins reprised her stage role, and the characters to whom Shirley merely had referred on stage were portrayed by Tom Conti, Alison Steadman, Joanna Lumley, Bernard Hill, and Sylvia Sims. The film was partly shot on Mykonos, one of the Cyclades islands in the Aegean Sea.

Quotes from the film

• "I'm not saying she's a bragger. But if you've been to Paradise, she's got a season ticket! If you've got a headache, she's got a brain tumour!"

• Joe: I always get my tea at 6 o'clock!"
  Shirley: Well, just think how exciting it'd be, if for once, you had it at a quarter past six? It'd make the headlines. "World Exclusive". "Joe Eats Late"

• "It's not right, is it? I mean, if God had wanted you to create a vegetarian dog he'd have made you a yogurt hound; or a Veggie-burger hound...but you're a blood hound. You need meat!"'

• "I said, Joe, have you ever heard of the clitoris? He didn't even look up from his paper. Yeah, he says. But it doesn't go as well as the Ford Cortina!"

• "Well, tickle my tits till Friday!"

• Shirley: That's right, Milandra, I'm off to Greece for the sex. Sex for breakfast, sex for lunch, sex for tea and sex for supper.
  Neighbour: Sounds like a marvellous diet, love!
  Shirley: "It is! Have you never heard of it? It's called the F plan!"

• "To her, I am no longer Shirley Valentine, middle-aged housewife beginning to sag a bit"

• "Jane left her husband. It was before I met her. Apparently, she came home early one day and found him in bed with the milkman! Honest to God, the milkman! From that day on, I've noticed she never takes milk in her tea.

• "You really know how to talk to women, don't you? I mean, most men, they've got no idea. They feel they have to take over the conversation. I mean, with most men, if you say something like my favourite season is Autumn, they go whoa whoa whoa, my favourite season is Spring! And then you've got 10 minutes of them, talking about Spring when you weren't even talking about Spring, you were talking about Autumn!"

• "So don't talk to me about the English. Because while the Greeks were building roads and cities and temples, what were the English doing? I'll tell you what the English were doing. They were running around in loincloths, plowing up the earth with the arse bone of a giraffe!

• "It's a good thing we're not having soup. Otherwise, I'd put me head in it and drown myself!"'

• "I'm not really fond of it, sex! I think sex is like a supermarket. Just a whole lot of pushing and shoving and you still come out with very little in the end."

• "He kissed my stretch marks!"

Their first major TV appearance was in 1978 with a cameo slot in Bruce Forsyths Big Night on ITV. They were offered their own series, The Cannon and Ball Show which premiered in ITV on Saturday 28 July 1979. Further series followed each year through to 1988, along with Christmas and Easter specials.

In 1982 they appeared in a feature film, The Boys in Blue, based loosely on the classic Will Hay film, Ask a Policeman . The Boys in Blue was regarded critically as weak in comparison and was their only cinema outing. It was re-released on DVD in 2004.

In recent years they have admitted that, during their hey-day of huge popularity in the 1980s, they were barely on speaking terms and would avoid each other completely when not on stage or rehearsing. These tensions - which lasted for years - were later resolved and the two are now extremely close once again.

By the 1990s the duo were seeking a change in direction and appeared in their own sitcom Cannon and Balls Playhouse, the spin-off series Plaza Patrol and their game show Cannon and Ball's Casino. Plaza Patrol saw them play security guards in a shopping mall. Despite relatively high viewing figures for a midweek sitcom no further series were produced.

Their popularity coincided with the rise of so-called alternative comedy, with its emphasis on more socially relevant and political concerns, and as time passed Cannon and Ball fell in popularity, though they were not the only comedy act to suffer as the comic tastes of the nation shifted.

In more recent times they have continued to find success as a comic duo in theatre and pantomime, along with numerous cameo appearances on TV. In 2005 they appeared in the British reality TV series I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!.

In 2008 the pair's runaway success continued as they appeared again on TV as the faces of Safestyle UK, a Bradford based double glazing firm.

The pair are devout Christians and have published a book called Christianity for Beginners. Bobby Ball became a born-again Christian in 1986 and Tommy Cannon in 1992, their conversion having a lot to do with the re-kindling of their broken friendship. They now regularly feature in their own gospel and "an audience with..." show in churches around the country.

Their famous catchphrases are  "Rock on Tommy", "You little liar", "I piggin' hate you, Tommy".

For more information please check out the following websites dedicated to the duo:

http://www.cannonandball.moonfruit.com/ - The Official Site

http://www.comedykings.co.uk/ - Fan Site 

The British Weekly is the ONLY weekly newspaper in the USA aimed at the British expatriate market. Each week we bring our readers a unique, informative and funny digest of British news, current affairs and sport, with a healthy dose of news they can use, including local entertainment, travel, immigration updates and of course, those British newspaper staples, a Horoscope and Sudoku.

IS THE ONLINE EDITION THE SAME AS THE PAPER?

Yes and No. You can download the latest edition by clicking on the link on our home page. But the website also features real-time RSS links featuring streaming news from Britain, plus details on expat life, and a listing of the best British blogs and podcasts.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN BUSINESS?

Since 1984. We primarily serve the Los Angeles and Orange County British community although we have subscribers in every state in America, plus a few more overseas. But many of our articles are useful for expatriates anywhere...or those planning to become expats in the near future.

HOW CAN I ADVERTISE WITH BRITISH WEEKLY?

Click on "advertise/subscribe" for our demographics and price list. Or call or email our business office.

DOES ADVERTISING WITH BRITISH WEEKLY WORK?

We prefer to let our advertisers speak for themselves. Los Angeles immigration attorney Bernard Sidman says: "I have bought a quarter page advertisement in the newspaper every week since 1985. To reach British expatriates and anglophiles, the British Weekly is simply unbeatable."

WHAT IS YOUR CIRCULATION?

22,000 in Southern California, about 3,000 in other states, principally New York, Texas and Florida.

HOW CAN WE CONTACT YOU?

E-mail editor@british-weekly.com

The British Weekly, 171 Pier Avenue, Ste. 121, Santa Monica CA 90405

Tel: 310.452.2621 Fax: (upon request only)

The UK house prices has increased so much it has become increasingly difficult to afford a mortgage. To get on the property ladder many first time buyers are using income only mortgages and or borrowing up to 5 to 6 times their income. This means that often a very high % of their income is going on mortgage payments. An interest only mortgage does nothing to pay off the mortgage debt. The Population of the UK has been rising, partly due to immigration, this increases the demand of housing.

I lived the first 27 years of my life in the UK, outside of London in the South East. I recently immigrated again back to California just over a year ago. We moved back to the UK for a brief spell. Unfortunately we realised that life back in California was too good to miss. 

I sometimes miss life in the UK. And like most British expats, we day dream about moving back to Britain and what it would be like again and has anything changed for the better.
We purchased a house in Northern California for $375,000 USD just over a year ago. I decided to check out house prices in the UK with the leading property website RightMove.co.uk . I wanted to compare what kind of property you can buy today in England for around $350,000 USD compared to California, USA. I picked two places that are around 30 to 40 minutes from a major city, London and San Francisco. Also these are both areas that I know well and where I used to live and now reside.

Here are my findings and confirm no chance of moving back to the UK for us:

The numbers on Immigration leaving the UK is on the increase. Many leave for job reasons, others leave for romance and some just cannot take the stress of life anymore.
As you sit in stationary traffic and pouring rain, worrying about the mortgage and whether you'll ever get a date for treatment on that ingrowing toenail, you may not be totally surprised by the news. In the league table of the best countries to live, Britain is 37th. And as if that wasn't wounding enough, the country judged to offer the finest quality of life in the world is none other than our closest, but not always friendliest neighbour, France. The list of 191 countries was compiled by the U.S. travel magazine International Living using nine criteria - cost of living, culture and leisure, economy, environment, freedom, health, infrastructure, safety, and climate. 

You maybe patriotic to Britain, but at what point  will you finally decide to leave the Island?

For all of you that are not aware of him and his work, please read on his career and background:

Lee Evans was born 25 February 1964 in Avonmouth, Bristol, England. His secondary school was The Billericay School in Billericay, Essex. After a spell as a boxer and two years at art school in Essex, Evans decided to follow in his father's footsteps in the entertainment business. In his teens he moved to Rhyl, Wales,and played drums in a punk rock band called The Forgotten Five.

In 1981, at the age of 17, he married Heather Evans with whom he has a daughter, Mollie, born in 1994. They currently live in Billericay, Essex.

Stand-up comedy

Lee Evans rose to fame during the 1990s in his home country, becoming noted for his loud, hot, sweaty, energetic on-stage performances, mastery of humorous voices, and very physical, observational alternative and brilliant comedy. He is regarded as having a Norman Wisdom–style of slapstick comedy acting, and in many respects has taken on Wisdom's role for a later generation. In his earlier work, he often used a dysfunctional character called Malcolm to illustrate how he viewed unusual characters in the world. In 1993, Evans won the Perrier Comedy Award for his work at the Edinburgh Festival.

One of the trademarks of Evans's performances is his sweatiness: he is usually drenched in his own sweat. During most of his headlining performances, he often must take an intermission, during which he changes into a completely different suit; he once said that this was because he was "as nervous as a nun awaiting her pregnancy test results". He has also said that his suits are regularly thrown away after just one performance, mainly because of the sweat, with dry-cleaners refusing to handle them.

A second trademark is The Lee Evans Trio, which consists of him on a bare stage, in a spotlight, miming to a recording of instrumental sound; the spotlight goes out, only to reappear in another location, to which Evans has moved during the blackout, and where he is now miming playing a different instrument. He mimes in three locations, with an imaginary drum kit, double bass and piano.

A third trademark is his apparent "stage fright". At the beginning of his act he'll often pretend to get the microphone cord tangled up or thrown over his shoulder, or even that it doesn't work (he'll begin to talk but nothing is heard, until the end of a gag or question is suddenly audible). He may spend the first few minutes rambling as if he can't remember what he came on stage for. Often he will tilt the microphone stand and pretend to machine gun the audience, again as a nervous reaction and supposed "time filler".

Evans is also known for performing music skits at the end of every gig, usually his world-famous mime to Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody". His live act is also notable for its persistent use of variations of the word fuck.

In November 2005, Evans broke the Guinness World Record for a solo act performing to the biggest comedy audience, playing to 10,108 at the Manchester Evening News Arena, beating the previous record of 8,700 set by Eddie Izzard.

Evans will tour Britain with a brand new stand-up act, "Big", in Autumn 2008, with a DVD of the tour released in November. This was scheduled to involve the first ever performance by a comedian at the O2 Arena in London until Chris Rock announced dates that would take place at the venue prior to Evans.

Acting

Evans has made a number of film appearances, most notably in Funny Bones, Mousehunt, There's Something About Mary, The Fifth Element, The Ladies Man, The Martins and The Medallion. Evans also provided the voice for Train in the 2005 film The Magic Roundabout.

From 1993-1994 Evans appeared in the Channel 4 late-night show Viva Cabaret!, both as a host and as a guest performer. In 1996, Evans starred in the one-off show The World of Lee Evans. In 2001, he wrote a sitcom called So What Now?.

In 2004 he starred as a paranoid murder suspect in his first non-comic role in the film Freeze Frame. Although warned they may never grow back, he shaved his eyebrows (as well as his hair).

During 2006 he played Leo Bloom in the London production of The Producers.

Karl Pilkington (born 23 September 1972 in Manchester, England) is an English radio producer previously best known for producing The Ricky Gervais show on the radio station XFM. After leaving Xfm, Pilkington reached an international audience through his appearances with  Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant on The Ricky Gervais Show. He is also a published author and the star of a Channel 4 documentary.

Before Ricky and Steve - Karl went to work as a printer after leaving school at age 15, and was made to work a 24-hour shift pressing CDs for the band Smokey. He partly attributes his baldness to this grueling schedule. Karl also briefly hosted an overnight phone-in show on a Manchester radio station where he was something of an agony uncle. It was in Manchester that he met long-time girlfriend Suzanne. He later moved on to work as Head of Production at London radio station Xfm, where he worked for eleven years and would first cross paths with Ricky and Steve. Karl was given the job of producing their second run of shows at the station, shortly after the first series of The Office ran on BBC2. At first he merely "pressed the buttons", but his quirky antics and unique worldview soon prompted Gervais and Merchant to make him a third member of their team.

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant

Karl began his on-air role by occasionally interjecting during the Xfm show co-hosted by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. As more of his anecdotes and opinions were revealed, he became more of a focal point of the show. Eventually, he began to take part in and create segments. The first bit that focused on Karl was White Van Karl where Karl spoke his thoughts on current events and minor news stories. Karl began creating his own segments after awhile such as Educating Ricky, Monkey News, and Rockbusters. With these bits, Karl's relative status on the show grew, Ricky eventually saying it should be called "the Karl Pilkington show". After the end of the Xfm show, Karl remained part of the trio, giving up his position as head of production at Xfm to make podcasts with Ricky and Steve and work on his writing. When Danny Wallace debuted his Saturday show on Xfm on 9th February 2008, Karl recorded a message for him containing advice and support on how to do a radio show and revealing that he had only received an extra thirty pounds for each show he did with Ricky and Steve.

The Russell Brand Show

Karl also co-hosted four radio shows with Russell Brand on BBC 6Music. Three shows aired after Christmas in 2005 with Karl and Russell substituting for Nemone. Another aired on 09 April 2006, the beginning of the Russell Brand Show. After this show, Karl no longer had a speaking role, but was talked about on air and seen on the webcam during the next couple of shows. There is speculation that Karl's participation in the show was discontinued due to his contract obligations with Ricky and Steve. Russell Brand remained on BBC 6Music with new co-presenters Matt Morgan and Trevor Lock (which Karl once was guest on over the phone on 11 June 2006) until November 2006 when he moved on to BBC Radio 2. Brand has recalled his stint with Karl with affection but also described Karl, perhaps facetiously, as "difficult to work with" at the same time.

TV Appearances

Karl has made several appearances on Flipside TV during the Xfm years. In line with the show's format, Karl commented on various television programs, mainly staying focused on shows featuring the paranormal and oddities. In a later radio show, Ricky said Karl quit participating in the program because he did not like the fact that his parents or relatives might be watching him.

In August 2006, Karl created four short films for 3 Minute Wonder, a documentary shorts strand that followed Channel 4 News on weekdays. The segments were titled Some Thoughts by Karl Pilkington and were essentially Karl's musings and observations on subjects like life, travel, health, and animals. Locations included a museum, in a tent while camping, his house, and the zoo.

In October 2007, Karl appeared in the Channel 4 documentary Karl Pilkington: Satisfied Fool. In it, he interviews scholars and writers ("brainy people," as he says) in an attempt to discover whether intelligence is the key to happiness.

After years of working with Ricky and Steve, Karl finally had a cameo in one of their shows at the end of 2007, when he appeared as an autograph seeker in the series finale of Extras.

Podcasts

The show featured e-mails containing questions and facts sent in for Karl to answer or react to, at Gervais's and Merchant's mirth, due to his unfailing nontraditional perspectives. Karl consequently became the centrepiece of podcasts.

Ricky was once quoted as saying, "It shouldn't be called the Ricky Gervais Show, it should be called the Karl Pilkington show, I mean it's ridiculous, I'm so lazy, I just turn up now and prod him". In a blog dedicated to Karl on rickygervais.com, Ricky says Karl is "fed up" and doesn't want to do any more podcasts.

Written Work

Karl has penned two books since leaving Xfm and banding with Ricky and Steve. The first, The World of Karl Pilkington, was essentially transcripts of the first series of podcasts along side drawings done by Karl. Several new anecdotes and diary entries were included in the book as well. The second book, Happyslapped by a Jellyfish, is a travelogue that documents the many holidays Karl has taken in his life.

Happy Slapped By A Jellyfish
A hilarious guide to travelling, from the man behind The World of Karl Pilkington - one of our most innovative thinkers, visionaries and prophets, or as Ricky Gervais knows him, 'the funniest man alive in Britain today'. Pack your suitcase and take an irreverent trip with the unlikely star of "The Ricky Gervais Podcast Show", Karl Pilkington, to the furthest corners of Europe. From sunbathing in t-shirts and lizards the length of Toblerones, to a toxic apartment in Ibiza with a used loo that can't be flushed - these witty musings could put you off travelling forever! Gain insight into the curious life of this comic genius from pithy anecdotes. Find out about his mum's obsession with keeping gnomes indoors and his experiences getting high on dope chocolate, to his childhood dentist who filled his perfect back teeth to give them 'extra protection'. This book features Pilkington's original illustrations and imaginative scribblings.

Cristiano Ronaldo put away an awarded penalty with a 33rd-minute penalty. Ryan Giggs(on the day he equalled Bobby Charlton's club record 758th appearances)completed the win 10 minutes from time with a thorugh pass from Wayne Rooney. A fitting way to end the season and Ryan's personal achievement with the club.

United ended the season on 87 points, two clear of Chelsea, who were leading through Andriy Shevchenko until Bolton grabbed an injury-time equaliser through Matt Taylor.

It is Manchester United's 10th Premier League title and 17th championship in all. They are now only one short of Liverpool's record of 18. Man Utd will now go for a domestic and European double when they face Chelsea in the Champions League final on May 21.
Check TVUPlayer.com fo r possible coverage.

"It was a tough one alright," manager Alex Ferguson told Sky Sports.

"We had some nervous moments and when it started to rain anything can happen on the greasy surface. Then our oldest player, Ryan Giggs, 10 (championship) medals, comes on and scores, fantastic."

Everton qualified for the UEFA Cup after beating Kevin Keegans's Newcastle side 3-1 at home.

Birmingham City and Reading both had four-goal wins but still joined Derby County in being relegated after Fulham won 1-0 at Portsmouth, by a Danny Murphy header to complete their last gasp escape from the drop.

Number of English football league title wins for each club:
18 - Liverpool

17 - Manchester United

13 - Arsenal

9 - Everton

7 - Aston Villa

6 - Sunderland

4 - Newcastle, Sheffield Wednesday

3 - Chelsea, Leeds, Wolverhampton, Huddersfield, Blackburn

2 - Derby, Preston, Tottenham, Manchester City, Burnley, Portsmouth

1 - Sheffield United, Nottingham Forest, Ipswich, West Bromwich Albion

 Adapted and directed by Nick Love, The Football Factory is seen through the eyes of four men, all of who have a different story to tell about their experience with tribal culture on the terraces of the beautiful game. 

Tommy Johnson (Danny Dyer), a bright thirty year old with a steady job and close family leads us through the story and is the link to the other three characters. 

Billy Bright (Frank Harper); a right wing fascist who forms part of the older generation of the Chelsea Headhunters but is full of bitterness in what he sees as a country that has failed him. 

Zeberdee (Roland Manookian) a mouthy hooligan whose life has already run into the cul de sac of crime and drugs. 

And Bill Farrell, a seventy year old war veteran who tries to enjoy every day to the limit. 

The Football Factory is frighteningly real yet full of painful humor as the four character's extreme thoughts and actions unfold before us.

This move is available to rent in Europe and North America. Netflix users can get this in North America.
You can also buy this movie from our DVD Store under the soccer section.

The Sealed Knot has been heavily involved in education for many years, giving school talks and displays about life in the Civil War throughout the UK. If your school or college is running a project on the Civil War period, the Sealed Knot can provide you with experts on everything from cookery to clothes, education and politics, through to weapons and battle strategies.

 When Charles required extra revenue, he looked for ways to raise it without the authority of Parliament. The methods he used were very unpopular: ship money, the creation of monopolies in coal, soap, alum etc. There was even a proposal to bring back the entire clothing industry under Royal control. 

Parliament quickly took control of the armed forces. Charles responded by issuing a proclamation that the forces were not to obey their new 'masters'. Both sides started recruiting and Charles was soon aided by the arrival of his nephew, Prince Rupert.

In August 1642 King Charles set up his standard at Nottingham and two months later met the Parliamentary army at Edgehill. Throughout the hostilities attempts were made to reach a settlement. The attempts failed and Charles was tried for being the chief cause of the trouble.
The result of the trial was a foregone conclusion. Cromwell said "I tell you we cut off his head with the crown on it."

Charles was beheaded on January 30th 1649, outside the Banqueting House, which still stands, in Whitehall. Cromwell died in his bed in 1658 and his son, Richard, ruled for a short time. In 1660 the son of Charles I returned to his kingdom and rightful place, ruling as Charles II. 

PRINCIPAL DATES OF THE CIVIL WAR 
 

BritWeek²⁰⁰⁸ will be on a far larger scale. Commencing with Receptions at the British Consul General’s Residence on April 24th and April 26th and continuing into May 2008, it will celebrate the cultural and business connections between Britain and Los Angeles.

Building on the fact that April marks the 50th Anniversary of 450 South June Street as the permanent official Residence of the British Consul General in Los Angeles, BritWeek will celebrate fifty years of British links with Los Angeles and highlight the extent of the current relationship.

BritWeek’s objective is to generate publicity and broaden awareness of the importance of this relationship, in terms of ideas and investments in both directions; to highlight the fact that Britain is the largest investor in Southern California as well as a profitable investment destination for Californian companies; and emphasize British influences in film, TV, music, fashion and luxury lifestyle that are prevalent in Los Angeles life.


The BritWeek 2008 events will include:

Thursday, April 24 - Champagne Launch of BritWeek at the Residence 50th Anniversary (Invite Only)

Saturday, April 26 - Official 50th Anniversary Celebration of the Consulate Residence (Invite Only)

Thursday, May 1 - BAFTA/LA British Comedy Festival Presented by British Airways at the Four Seasons

Friday, May 2 - David Lean 100th Birthday Film Retrospective at the Egyptian Theatre hosted by David Thomson

Saturday, May 3 - The British in Hollywood from Chaplin to present day (1910 to 2008) hosted by Michael York

Sunday, May 4 - Duran Duran Concert at the Nokia Theatre

Saturday, May 10 - British Celebrity Soccer Match Hosted by Los Angeles Galaxy at the Home Depot Center

In honour of BritWeek 2008, the festival of British directors will be at LACMA from April 4-April 26. There will also be a David Lean festival at the Aero from May 7-May 15. For more details on the screenings, please visit www.britweek.org

The steering committee for BritWeek 2008 is chaired by British Consul General Bob Peirce and includes Nigel Lythgoe.

BritWeek 2008’s sponsors are 19 Entertainment, Virgin Atlantic, Virgin Megastore, bp, British American Business Council, UK Trade & Investment, Diageo, BAFTA/LA, Rolls Royce/MINIUSA, BBC, HBO, Air New Zealand, UK Film Council US, The Body Shop, and The Douris Corporation.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is an American comedy film directed by Nicholas Stoller and written by Jason Segel. The film was produced by Judd Apatow and stars Segel, Kristen Bell, Mila Kunis and Russell Brand who is a well known British comedian. It was released April 18, 2008 in the United States and Canada and on April 23, 2008 in the United Kingdom.

The film received favorable reviews from critics. The review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes reported that 85% of critics gave the film positive reviews, based on 132 reviews with the consensus being that the film "finds just the right mix of romantic and raunchy comedy.

Matt Pais of the Chicago Tribune said it's "the kind of movie you could watch all day because, like a new flame, you can't get enough of its company and are just glad to see where it takes you.Richard Roeper highly praised the film for its laugh-out-loud moments as well as its worthiness to be an instant classic. My wife swears by the two thumbs up by Ebert & Roeper, so this should be a good movie indeed!

Russell Edward Brand (born June 4, 1975) is an English radio and television personality, comedian, actor, and newspaper columnist. Brand dresses in a flamboyant bohemian fashion describing himself as looking like an "S&M Willy Wonka". Brand's current style consists of black eyeliner, drainpipe jeans, Beatle boots, and long, shaggy, backcombed hair.
Russell is most famous in the UK presenting Big Brother's Big Mouthr show and also his BBC Radio show. He recently has branched out and has become guest presenters on various shows across most TV stations in the UK. 
He has also performed in large theatres on his stand-up tour around the UK - Click here to see some of his comic material live!

Anyway, I'm going to see the film this weekend as my wife got some free movie tickets from her new job. I'll update you next week!